Doctor Who versus Twilight

The Doctor:

1. Drives a TARDIS
2. Goes wherever and whenever the fuck he pleases
3. His (sort of) love rival is a former plastic Roman centurion
4. His nemesis is a bad ass Time Lord who likes dancing to the Scissor Sisters.  And beating his wife.  So we know he’s evil
5. Doesn’t have a girlfriend but is associated with a bevy of beauties including Amy Pond and River Song
6. Tans, presumably

Edward:

1. Drives a Volvo
2. Goes to High School
3. His love rival is a huffy teenage werewolf
4. His nemesis appears to be his own self loathing
5. His girlfriend is a personality-less vacuum who falls over a lot
6. Glitters in the sunlight

Edward Cullen is, essentially, a 117 year old vampire who glitters in the sunlight and dates high schoolers.  He is always in a bad mood and seems to have only one character trait:  possessive jealousy on psychotic levels.  Seriously.  He breaks into his girlfriend’s house to watch her sleep, and forbids her from hanging out with her male friends.  His one purpose in life is to lie around looking handsome, which we know as it is pointed out in EVERY SINGLE LINE of the books.

The Doctor is, essentially, a 907 year old Time Lord who travels through time and space with young girls.  However, he only fancies them on rare, ill-advised, Russell T Davies occasions, so he’s already winning this battle by not being a paedophile.  Despite his great age and knowledge, he still retains a great lust for life and a sense of wonder for everything he encounters.  He’s brave, kind and exceedingly clever, and battles aliens and monsters and saves planets just because it’s the right thing to do.  Man’s a legend!

So, basically, to sum up… The Doctor wins by at least twenty miles.