Twilight Parody

I breathlessly held my breath as Edmund approached my neck, his long, ivory fangs growing from his perfectly shaped crimson lips. They had the most symmetrical Cupid's bow I'd ever seen. How I longed to kiss them, in all their scarlet marble coolness. I swallowed, feeling my blue, warm, blood-filled vein pulsing in my alabaster throat.

"Do it," I whispered, lovingly, looking adoringly into his large turquoise eyes. "Bite me, Edmund. I belong to you."

He hovered above my quivering flesh, breathing on my neck, making me long to throw my arms around him, to press my head to his cold, perfectly formed chest. Well, I assumed perfectly formed. I'd never seen him without his cardigan and Alf teeshirt on. But somehow I knew he'd have abs of steel, to go with his angelic face. I leaned back further, exposing my neck even more.

"I can't do it," Edmund cursed. "I can't bring myself to hurt you like this, my darling, my angel, delight of my eyes! What if I drain you dry? What if - " he paused and swallowed. "What if I can't control myself?"




I gasped and swooned. "Oh Edmund," I said, enjoying feeling his arms wrapped around me, knowing it was he and he alone who was holding me up. Both figuratively and literally. His arms were holding me up, but his  love was also holding me up, making me fly on rosy clouds of romance.

"I can't do it, my darling" he whispered, in his sweet, dulcet tones, that reminded me of harps playing one of my favourite songs. Probably something by Dashboard Confessional. They totally write my life.

He dropped me on the floor, where I lay in a daze, marvelling at how much he must love me, to have thrown me aside on a hard stone floor rather than drink my blood. What a perfect creature. He must have been formed by God on a very good day. Like maybe the day he zapped Sodom and Gomorrah. Not Good Friday though, because that was the day his son died. No, he must have created Edmund when the sun was shining in his heart and the angels were singing beautiful songs, probably not Dashboard Confessional songs though because they weren't alive when Sodom and Gomorrah fell. What was God thinking when he arranged in his divine plan for
Edmund to fall in love with a worthless creature like me!

Edmund stood beside the wall, his teeth clenched in agony, his face wrinkled with chagrin. I knew he was tormented by the closeness of me and my blood. I moved closer to him instinctively.

"It's the closeness of my blood that's tormenting you,"I said, stroking his face. "I know it must be hard for you."

He slapped me across the face, making me fall to the floor again. I was breathless with happiness. He had touched me! I wasn't worthy of him and his beautiful chiseled face, surely carved from a block of pure goodness and beauty.

"It's not just that, Donna, my dearest, my love" he cried. He knelt and scooped me up in his powerful arms. I could feel the coldness of his vampire body seeping through his clothes, and once again I swooned at his proximity.

"What is it, my dear?" I asked breathlessly.

He swallowed, the muscles of his perfect throat moving in perfect time. "It's things the other vampires are saying" he muttered, chagrin all over his face. His beautiful face. I never tire of describing it. To say he put Gerard Way to shame was to say that a lily far surpassed a rat.

"What do they say?" I was perplexed.

He muttered something inaudible. I pressed him to repeat it, half because I hadn't heard, and half because to hear his voice was to hear the music of the spheres.

"They say... I'm gay."

I gasped. "No!" I gasped. "They're just jealous of you, Edmund! They're jealous of your ridiculous good looks, the way you play the piano, the way you've completely mastered all the dance moves from Glee, the charmingly sensitive way you weep when killing animals for food... Edmund, you're more heterosexual than all of them put together!"

He straightened up. "Thank you, Donna" he whispered, giving me a friendly punch in the stomach. God bless Edmund, always making sure I never fell pregnant with his demon vampire spawn. Despite the fact that we'd not had sex yet. But still, I was touched that he cared enough to take preventative measures.

"I am manly!" he cried. "You've made me realise this, Donna. I mean, I don't need to drink human blood to prove myself. I love that when I go out in the sun, little rainbows jump out of my perfect hair. I've come to accept the fact that I don't look imposing enough to wear a cape! And as for using the power of my mind to seduce women... I despise the way women are objectified! Don't you think they deserve stay at home where they're safe, raising their children and cooking and cleaning, instead of having sex with people like my brother, Brett? Who's he to judge me, with his powerful shoulders, sexy smile and perfectly grabbable ass?"

"You're so totally right" I breathed, gazing adoringly at him, wishing we could be together forever.

"I mean, he's not even my real brother!" he continued. "He's just some blow in that my adopted parents adopted... Swanning in with all his leather biker gear and sculpted muscles and eyes that seem to bore into your mind..."

"How you must hate him!" I cried.

"And the way his clothes seem to cling to him in all the right places, in an almost pornographic fashion! Why I could just - " Here he paused, his breathing coming heavily, his magnificent features twisted in an expression I didn't recognise. At all. He'd never looked at me like that. Maybe he was truly angry. I prayed he'd never think of me the way he did Brett.

Edmund turned to me, his face contorted. He was almost blushing. He must be furious. "Donna" he said, in that wonderful voice, sounding unnaturally strained. His body was angled away from me. How he must be raging, to hold himself apart from me, his true love! I truly did not deserve him.

"Donna" he repeated, "would you mind leaving me alone for a little while? Say, twenty minutes?"

"Of course, my darling! Anything you wish!" I didn't try to hug him on my way out; I liked to think of my meetings with his flesh as little rewards to myself, and considered that I didn't deserve one, when he'd had to send me from his presence. Poor Edmund. I could hear sounds of what seemed to be pain coming from the room. He must be really upset. I longed to comfort him, but instead comforted myself with the thought that I would see him in twenty minutes.

Oh! But it would feel like eternity!