The Doctor In Wonderland

Alice had been spending her afternoon quietly by the river, skipping stones rather badly on its still surface, when she saw a tall, skinny man in a bowtie run past, muttering, "I'm late!"

This would not have been a major, out of the way occurrence, if the man had not been brandishing a strange metal apparatus that was glowing bright green at the tip. Alice was immediately interested and, throwing her last stone directly at her older sister's head to knock her out, she followed the man at a safe distance.




He was running rather fast, however, and Alice found herself quite out of breath by the time she caught up with him, at which point he was standing by a large hole in a tree trunk, pointing his metal wand at it with an expression of extreme concentration.

"Shh" he said to Alice, as she stopped breathlessly by him. "I think," he continued, "that this hole is the physical appearance of a severe rip in the fabric of space and time..." He continued looking deeply into it and muttering to himself, before, to Alice's consternation, jumping right in with a gay shout of "Geronimo!"

Alice, never one to be left behind when her curiosity was piqued, jumped right in after him.

It was not how she imagined.

Instead of a rather hard landing on solid earth, which she had expected, the rabbit hole seemed to go forever, twisting and turning beneath the tree, with all manner of curious objects catching her attention.  Flying boxes made of iron, with no visible means of support.  Machines that played thousands of songs yet could fit in her hand.  Gauntlets that caused death.  Her head spun...

After what seemed like an age, she hit solid ground with a bump.  She opened her eyes and stared around.  She was in a cavernous room, a massive table beside her and all around the walls were doors, some gigantic, some miniscule, all tempting.  Beside her also was the strange man with the bowtie.  He looked at her with interest.

"Who are you then?" he asked.

"I'm Alice" she said.  "Who might you be?"

He smiled.  "I'm the Doctor," he said.  He looked around.  "We look like we're stuck, Alice," he said.  "There's a key on that table up there, but it looks like it will only fit that door -" (here he pointed to the tiniest door of all) "and we're both of us much too big to go through that."

It was at that moment Alice noticed a small cake on the floor beside her.  She picked it up and examined it.  "It says 'Eat Me'" she reported.

"Alice" said the Doctor solemnly, "do you do everything that food tells you to do?"

"I've never had food instruct me before!" exclaimed Alice.

"Well then" he said, "there's a 50/50 chance that it will be good for you.  Do you like those odds?"

Alice considered the cake for a minute.  It looked delicious.  "Yes" she answered, and swallowed it whole.

A strange feeling consumed her, as if she was being flattened in a wringer, being squashed and compressed until nothing remained.  She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to cry.

After what seemed like an eternity (but which was really just a moment) the feeling abated.  She cracked open an eyelid.

The table appeared suddenly to be a mountain, reaching for the sky.  The Doctor, sitting by the table watching her, seemed to be a giant, looming above her, guarding Mount Table from mythical Billy goats.

On the bright side, the unlockable door was now the right size for her.

On the other hand, the key for it was now even further away.

Alice began to cry.  Her tears fell hot and heavy upon her dress, and she fell to her knees, sobbing.  The Doctor awkwardly tried to pat her on the shoulder with his little finger.  He nearly sent her through the floor.

"Don't fret" he said.  He knelt and shuffled forward to the door, metal apparatus in hand.  He pointed it at the door.  It made a strange, almost whirring sound, and the tiny door swung open.

Alice stopped her crying and looked up at the Doctor.  "I'm going to go through" she said bravely.  "I'm going to see what's on the other side.  Perhaps someone there can help me home."

The Doctor nodded.  "Here's hoping" he said, with an encouraging smile.  "I bet you'll have fabulous adventures, Alice.  Just try not to waste too much time on the Caucus Race.  If there is such a thing.  And be careful of the Queen.  If there is one. I'm not saying there are any of those things."

Alice gave him one last nod, and walked through the door, to the wondrous land on the other side.  However, just as she was passing through, she could have sworn she heard an extraordinary whooshing sound, followed by a muted shout of "Amy!  What the hell?!  You were supposed to be here ages ago!" but she put it from her mind.  There were flowers talking to each other right in front of her, after all.